I’m currently in a bipolar 2 mixed episode. I don’t feel there is enough awareness around this, as professionals either say you are severely depressed or hypomanic and don’t seem to understand that you can be both.
How do I know this is a mixed episode?
I’m on my third night in a row with no sleep and my fifth night in the space over just over a week. I’ve created 7 songs over the last two nights, spent hours DJing, thoughts are running wild.
But at the same time, I want to die. I see no way through life at this point and have recurring suicidal thoughts.
Whilst in this state, impulsivity is higher, which is a dangerous combination. Whilst it feels great to be so creative and have loads of ideas, the profound feeling of wanting to not be here anymore is still lingering deep within my brain.
It’s a hard feeling to explain. I’ve just been in a horrible depressive episode where I can’t get out of bed, shower or even brush my teeth. I’ve had to rely on my boyfriend to remind me to drink. The brain fog has been real, to the point I haven’t been able to work.
But the past few days, I feel a sense of internal energy and my brain feels full. I don’t feel happy, but I can’t stop the ambitious ideas running through my mind. Despite not wanting to be here, I’m simultaneously planning new business projects and wanting to make plans with everyone.
This doesn’t align with the fact that I also can’t leave my bed or look after myself properly as I’m deep in depression right now. It’s confusing to explain, but I wanted to get the words out to make some sense of what I am going through.
Anyway, I’m going to try and be social today. I have plans for a bottomless brunch, which could be a bad idea as adding alcohol into the mixed episode is probably not recommended.
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