Thrive Together Mh

I’ve reached a point in my mental health journey where I’m on the right medication, have been doing therapy for a decent amount of time, have started a new very healthy relationship, am back on my feet with work and am one month free from self-harm.

Everything is going right.

Or is it?

Who knows.

On paper, I’m stable. This is the first time I can say this for as long as I can remember. I still have ups and downs, but the downs don’t seem to drag on for an eternity and the ups don’t keep me up all night for days on end.

When you’re used to utter chaos and suddenly you’re thrown into this world of stability, it can feel wrong. You waste time worrying about what is coming. You’re still picking up the pieces from past episodes. You can’t truly relax.

I miss my hypomanic episodes. There are days when I feel full of energy and have questionable decision-making skills and get little sleep, but these don’t last long and I eventually get tired now.

The depressive episodes became addictive too. I don’t miss them, by any means, but it feels peculiar to wake up and actually smile. It feels wrong to be socialising with people and not hiding away in my bedroom. It’s a confusing feeling because I don’t want to be depressed, but when life was rocky, things felt safer.

Being stable feels unnerving. What’s going to happen next?

There’s also guilt. I’m living a perfectly normal, happy life right now, so why does something still not feel right? Others are struggling everyday, and I have so many good things going for me right now, so why can’t I just accept this and be truly happy?

My brain spent so long in survival mode that the calm feels alien to me. And alien feels unsafe.

Being back at work full time has made me question all of my life choices. I know it’s my brain searching for dopamine and adrenaline, as there are less problems to solve now. I’ve had to stop myself from impulsively quitting my job. Feeling stable at work is also bringing about these strange feelings.

I guess the purpose of this post is to tell you that feeling stable doesn’t necessarily mean you are satisfied and happy. Especially for those with bipolar, there’s an impending doom about the next episode lurking around the corner.

It worries me that I’ll never find true peace. But I will do my best to remain grateful that life has become calmer. I’ll try to enjoy the more mundane moments, appreciate what I’ve got and focus on what matters most.