Thrive Together Mh

I’ve recently come out of a depressive spell – one which lasted two painful months. Having BPD as well as suspected bipolar means that my mood fluctuated on a daily basis, but overall, I felt a dark shadow looming over my life.

People often refer to depression as feeling numb or disconnected from the world or lacking motivation or losing interest in things. Sometimes people feel suicidal or engage in self-harm.

This episode made me feel as though my whole world had stopped. I couldn’t see a positive in anything. Desire to see people or do daily tasks was at an all time low and I became a shadow of my former self. I had to admit defeat and take sick leave from work, which made me paranoid.

I had dark intrusive thoughts that wouldn’t disappear. I convinced myself that everyone was against me. I made plans to end my life as nothing was worth living for anymore. No matter how much love people showed me, I couldn’t compute the fact that I deserved it. In fact, people being kind made me hate myself more.

The darkness seemed neverending. How could I ever find the joy in simple things again? I lost my love for everything – exercise, reading, creating content, work, being around others. I spent days on end staring at the wall in a bedroom cluttered with mess. Curtains always shut as the daylight made me feel more pain. I slept. A lot. The only thing that kept me going were my cats.

To add fuel to the fire, my previous relationship ended whilst I was at my lowest. I barely slept and didn’t eat for three days. Feeling abandoned during a time when you’re already on your last legs is indescribable. Having BPD means that I have a huge fear of abandonment and rejection, and my greatest fears came true when I was fighting to survive.

Picture the messiest house you’ve ever seen. Then add a few more piles of clothes and unwashed dishes and you’ll be left with the image of my environment during this time. I couldn’t look after myself. I’d go a week without showering. I cleaned my teeth every few days. I wore the same clothes for a week at a time.

But, I made it through.

It took every ounce of strength I had to keep going. Looking back, taking sick leave was one of the best decisions I’ve made. It gave me time to acknowledge my thoughts and focus on rebuilding. Sometimes, we have to remember that work isn’t life.

So how do I know that I’m out of the depressive episode? It dawned on me a few days ago.. I felt different inside. Something had shifted and life felt lighter again. Little things started to make me smile more. I started to realise my own self-worth. I no longer wanted to hide away.

If I made it through the darkest months of my life, then I know that you’ve got this too ❤️

If anything I have mentioned resonates with you, then please do reach out for help. The Samaritans are open 24/7 to talk to and believe me, talking always helps you feel even that tiny bit better. Don’t bottle things up and remember that you aren’t alone. People care. I care. The world needs you.